Personality Play-Doh
As a parent part of the mystery and fun of these small people, that you learn very early on, is that they are their own person. My older son hates olives and tomatoes, my younger son loves them. One boy likes vehicles and action figures, the other could build legos for hours. My older son gets so hot at night that he lays half naked across his bed, while my younger son wears long sleeves and cuddles his 14 blankets. Nothing about my parenting caused these differences. These are simply preferences.
When it comes to personalities, more differences: practical vs. emotional, delayed vs. immediate gratification, rule follower vs. people pleaser, structured vs. spontaneous. While these are still innate, I do believe they can be influenced by parenting. If a child shows restraint, responsibility, or good thinking regardless of natural style, and is rewarded, they will try to repeat that effort. They may go about it in different ways, but they are still looking for a similar result.
And the third group, still a part of their personality, but even more greatly influenced by their surroundings are things like: confidence vs. insecurity, leader vs. follower, yelling vs. pouting, quiet satisfaction vs. exuberant celebration. All people have a natural tendency to a certain set of behaviors. We have a set way they would choose to react. We are told as parents to simply try to raise the child to be who they were meant to be. But where is the line between allowing them to be the best version of themselves and enabling negative personality traits by letting them be however they want to be?
I have two opposing examples of this in toddlers. One is a little girl who is kind and sweet. She gets her feelings hurt easily and often leaves the room, pouting. In a fight or flight situation, she always chooses flight. After calming down and talking things out, she returns.
One method would be to attend to her during each episode. This would mean actively validating her feelings instead of brushing them off, and helping those around her to understand their impact on her feelings. The other method, on the other end of the spectrum, would be to advise her to be strong and brave, and move quickly through those feelings and on with the day.
If we constantly give in to her pouting, are we encouraging it? Are we telling her that it's normal for many small events to hurt her feelings? Are we validating her idea that she isn't strong enough to deal with it on her own? On the flip side, if we brush it off, are we telling her that she isn't allowed to feel that way? That her feelings don't matter and she should smile and shake it off?
In another example, what about a little boy who immediately reacts when he is told something he doesn't want to hear such as: it's time to go, no you can't have that, or do not do that. He reacts by yelling, hitting and crying. In a fight or flight situation, he always fights. Eventually he calms down, although he never gives up his initial position, but rather tries to negotiate a new, third option.
Using a similar approach, the first method would be to give in, or reach some sort of a compromise. Clearly he feels strongly about the situation, and unless it's an emergency, validating his opinion and giving him a say in the matter is a respectful way to deal with a small person. On the other end, you could hold your ground. Toddlers need boundaries. Sometimes it is an important teachable lesson. Hitting, fighting and arguing are not ok. Again though, if we give in, are we encouraging the tantrums? Or, by allowing a give and take are we telling him that he has a say in how his life instead? How do we teach him a better way to state his opinion than outright refusal? Especially if we are using strict boundaries to try to teach it?
As parents we react strongly because we are fearful that the worst possible outcome will occur. We are afraid that the sensitive girl will become a woman who cannot stand up for herself. We fear that the stick-to-his-guns little boy will find it impossible to have relationships that require compromise in his future. Of course, the reality is that this is just one facet of their personality and they will have many more life experiences to help shape it. Molding and shaping our children into responsible, caring, productive people is also our job though. How do you know if you are crushing their spirit or setting boundaries? Empathizing or enabling?
I would be curious to hear from other parents on how to judge these tricky situations. To avoid overreacting but steer them to be their best selves. As you can see by the number of question marks used in this blog post, it's still something I am working on figuring out myself!
Thoughts for the day....
When it comes to personalities, more differences: practical vs. emotional, delayed vs. immediate gratification, rule follower vs. people pleaser, structured vs. spontaneous. While these are still innate, I do believe they can be influenced by parenting. If a child shows restraint, responsibility, or good thinking regardless of natural style, and is rewarded, they will try to repeat that effort. They may go about it in different ways, but they are still looking for a similar result.
And the third group, still a part of their personality, but even more greatly influenced by their surroundings are things like: confidence vs. insecurity, leader vs. follower, yelling vs. pouting, quiet satisfaction vs. exuberant celebration. All people have a natural tendency to a certain set of behaviors. We have a set way they would choose to react. We are told as parents to simply try to raise the child to be who they were meant to be. But where is the line between allowing them to be the best version of themselves and enabling negative personality traits by letting them be however they want to be?
I have two opposing examples of this in toddlers. One is a little girl who is kind and sweet. She gets her feelings hurt easily and often leaves the room, pouting. In a fight or flight situation, she always chooses flight. After calming down and talking things out, she returns.
One method would be to attend to her during each episode. This would mean actively validating her feelings instead of brushing them off, and helping those around her to understand their impact on her feelings. The other method, on the other end of the spectrum, would be to advise her to be strong and brave, and move quickly through those feelings and on with the day.
If we constantly give in to her pouting, are we encouraging it? Are we telling her that it's normal for many small events to hurt her feelings? Are we validating her idea that she isn't strong enough to deal with it on her own? On the flip side, if we brush it off, are we telling her that she isn't allowed to feel that way? That her feelings don't matter and she should smile and shake it off?
In another example, what about a little boy who immediately reacts when he is told something he doesn't want to hear such as: it's time to go, no you can't have that, or do not do that. He reacts by yelling, hitting and crying. In a fight or flight situation, he always fights. Eventually he calms down, although he never gives up his initial position, but rather tries to negotiate a new, third option.
Using a similar approach, the first method would be to give in, or reach some sort of a compromise. Clearly he feels strongly about the situation, and unless it's an emergency, validating his opinion and giving him a say in the matter is a respectful way to deal with a small person. On the other end, you could hold your ground. Toddlers need boundaries. Sometimes it is an important teachable lesson. Hitting, fighting and arguing are not ok. Again though, if we give in, are we encouraging the tantrums? Or, by allowing a give and take are we telling him that he has a say in how his life instead? How do we teach him a better way to state his opinion than outright refusal? Especially if we are using strict boundaries to try to teach it?
As parents we react strongly because we are fearful that the worst possible outcome will occur. We are afraid that the sensitive girl will become a woman who cannot stand up for herself. We fear that the stick-to-his-guns little boy will find it impossible to have relationships that require compromise in his future. Of course, the reality is that this is just one facet of their personality and they will have many more life experiences to help shape it. Molding and shaping our children into responsible, caring, productive people is also our job though. How do you know if you are crushing their spirit or setting boundaries? Empathizing or enabling?
I would be curious to hear from other parents on how to judge these tricky situations. To avoid overreacting but steer them to be their best selves. As you can see by the number of question marks used in this blog post, it's still something I am working on figuring out myself!
Thoughts for the day....
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