Shoutout to Working Moms and Dads
There is constant chatter over how hard it is to stay home with the kids and how much work it takes to run a family. Many articles are written to point out how much work a mother puts in and how others should appreciate her for it. After yet another article about the mental workload of being a mother, that is beyond just dishes and laundry, I feel it necessary to point something out.
Despite what some say, being able to stay home and take care of the kids is a luxury. Yes, it is constant, you never get a break from the seemingly endless needs of others. It is a lesson in selflessness every day. You are also frequently bored and lonely, lacking adult conversation on a regular basis. You fill your days pointing out letters and colors, which doesn't take a lot of brain power. You also do mundane tasks over and over again for unappreciative masters. Wiping, always wiping - counters, bottoms, mouths, and hands. Tying a thousand shoes, stopping at the grocery for the 12th time and running a local taxi service. The mental workload consists of tracking doctor appointments, shoe sizes, soccer practices and developmental milestones. Remembering library on Wednesdays, snack on the 19th, finding a babysitter for next Friday, and all the other calendaring and logistical nightmares.
But really, is this hard? Yes, sometimes. Sometimes emotionally and sometimes physically. And bringing awareness to this is fine, but it is still a luxury. You know why? It is the luxury of choice! You can choose whether you would like to work or stay home. Having a choice at all is a differentiator and an attribute of luxury. Think about a single parent. They cannot choose- someone has to pay for the roof over everyone's head. Or what about your spouse, can they choose? Can you just both stay home? No, of course not. Now, my husband has often stated that he could not imagine being a preschool teacher, and since all of our children are 5 or under, that is what staying home is like. I'm sure he is happier working, however, I would never think the stress is the same. He has to worry about a business meeting sales goals or all the many things that go into profitability and I have to remember a doctor appointment. He has to worry about his employees being happy and supporting their own families, I have to wipe down the kitchen table again.
I feel like we have come so far in supporting women and celebrating their contributions that we are giving hardworking men a bad name. I recognize that the work of raising children is necessary to a healthy society and some of the most important work that can be done. I also recognize that many families do not subscribe to these same gender roles and there are stay at home dads, single parent families, families with both parents working and female breadwinners. What I am saying is still applicable. Whomever the hardworking, money earning parent in the family is, they deserve some praise too. For putting in energy outside of the home every day, managing their stress and work/life balance, and for earning money that leads to food, clothing, shelter and fun - some of which they miss out on because they are at work. That is selfless too.
For women who have spent years on their education and had fulfilling careers prior to staying home, it is difficult to come to terms with giving that part of your life up for awhile. A lot of self-worth is tied to a challenging, but fulfilling career - the feeling of being productive and contributing. It's one of the many reasons I have continued to work after having children, although with my current schedule I act as a stay at home mom half of the time too. Because so much of our self esteem is gained through proving we have earned our keep, many parents have trouble admitting they are living a life of leisure instead of sacrifice. We point out the difficulties because we are embarrassed that we have so many freedoms that others don't. Want to go for a walk and look for leaves at 10am? Ok. Want to go shopping? Want to get together with a friend and chat at the park? Sounds good. Want to read books and cuddle in blanket forts all day? Go for it.
Women hide the fact that they do all these things because they are scared they will be reprimanded for enjoying their life. You should be working! Earning money! Sacrificing your time, comfort and resources! Especially when they see other people, including their spouse, doing that very thing.
This guilt is normal, and probably somewhat healthy. Of course I feel bad when my husband has had a day with upset customers, HR hiccups and seemingly endless work to do and I watched movies, folded tiny clothes and sat outside in the sunshine. I also know that there are sources of pride and fulfillment he gets from his work as well, so it's not all bad.
There is no final call to action here. I don't think anything needs to change necessarily although it is important to have open dialogue so one party doesn't feel they are getting the short end of the stick. It's just a quick shoutout to all those working hard to keep families sheltered, fed and clothed. I recognize my privilege that I can be home more than my husband. I don't think every day is a dream and am often worn out from the tantrums, fighting, cleaning and other work that comes with raising a family. Given all that, I am practicing gratitude that my hardworking husband deals with all of his stress at work and still comes home happy to see us each night. Keep in mind, gratitude is the key to happiness.
Thoughts of the day...
Despite what some say, being able to stay home and take care of the kids is a luxury. Yes, it is constant, you never get a break from the seemingly endless needs of others. It is a lesson in selflessness every day. You are also frequently bored and lonely, lacking adult conversation on a regular basis. You fill your days pointing out letters and colors, which doesn't take a lot of brain power. You also do mundane tasks over and over again for unappreciative masters. Wiping, always wiping - counters, bottoms, mouths, and hands. Tying a thousand shoes, stopping at the grocery for the 12th time and running a local taxi service. The mental workload consists of tracking doctor appointments, shoe sizes, soccer practices and developmental milestones. Remembering library on Wednesdays, snack on the 19th, finding a babysitter for next Friday, and all the other calendaring and logistical nightmares.
But really, is this hard? Yes, sometimes. Sometimes emotionally and sometimes physically. And bringing awareness to this is fine, but it is still a luxury. You know why? It is the luxury of choice! You can choose whether you would like to work or stay home. Having a choice at all is a differentiator and an attribute of luxury. Think about a single parent. They cannot choose- someone has to pay for the roof over everyone's head. Or what about your spouse, can they choose? Can you just both stay home? No, of course not. Now, my husband has often stated that he could not imagine being a preschool teacher, and since all of our children are 5 or under, that is what staying home is like. I'm sure he is happier working, however, I would never think the stress is the same. He has to worry about a business meeting sales goals or all the many things that go into profitability and I have to remember a doctor appointment. He has to worry about his employees being happy and supporting their own families, I have to wipe down the kitchen table again.
I feel like we have come so far in supporting women and celebrating their contributions that we are giving hardworking men a bad name. I recognize that the work of raising children is necessary to a healthy society and some of the most important work that can be done. I also recognize that many families do not subscribe to these same gender roles and there are stay at home dads, single parent families, families with both parents working and female breadwinners. What I am saying is still applicable. Whomever the hardworking, money earning parent in the family is, they deserve some praise too. For putting in energy outside of the home every day, managing their stress and work/life balance, and for earning money that leads to food, clothing, shelter and fun - some of which they miss out on because they are at work. That is selfless too.
For women who have spent years on their education and had fulfilling careers prior to staying home, it is difficult to come to terms with giving that part of your life up for awhile. A lot of self-worth is tied to a challenging, but fulfilling career - the feeling of being productive and contributing. It's one of the many reasons I have continued to work after having children, although with my current schedule I act as a stay at home mom half of the time too. Because so much of our self esteem is gained through proving we have earned our keep, many parents have trouble admitting they are living a life of leisure instead of sacrifice. We point out the difficulties because we are embarrassed that we have so many freedoms that others don't. Want to go for a walk and look for leaves at 10am? Ok. Want to go shopping? Want to get together with a friend and chat at the park? Sounds good. Want to read books and cuddle in blanket forts all day? Go for it.
Women hide the fact that they do all these things because they are scared they will be reprimanded for enjoying their life. You should be working! Earning money! Sacrificing your time, comfort and resources! Especially when they see other people, including their spouse, doing that very thing.
This guilt is normal, and probably somewhat healthy. Of course I feel bad when my husband has had a day with upset customers, HR hiccups and seemingly endless work to do and I watched movies, folded tiny clothes and sat outside in the sunshine. I also know that there are sources of pride and fulfillment he gets from his work as well, so it's not all bad.
There is no final call to action here. I don't think anything needs to change necessarily although it is important to have open dialogue so one party doesn't feel they are getting the short end of the stick. It's just a quick shoutout to all those working hard to keep families sheltered, fed and clothed. I recognize my privilege that I can be home more than my husband. I don't think every day is a dream and am often worn out from the tantrums, fighting, cleaning and other work that comes with raising a family. Given all that, I am practicing gratitude that my hardworking husband deals with all of his stress at work and still comes home happy to see us each night. Keep in mind, gratitude is the key to happiness.
Thoughts of the day...
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