Being the Oldest Sibling
"No one even loves me here!" laments my oldest son. This, of course, breaks my heart. It is also obviously not true. As any mother knows, the love for your first born child, the child who made you a mother, goes very deep. School age children are in a tricky spot where they know they are too old for baby things (they don't even like them!) but don't really know how to be a big kid yet either. In addition, there are many ways in which being the oldest is hard.
"How come he doesn't have to do it himself?" Expectations are high. You are the oldest and because of that you are expected to do more, understand more, have more control and be more independent. With each new experience, parents look for feedback that they are actually raising a productive human being. This feedback comes in the form of good grades, good behavior, and success in activities. This creates pressure for the first born. Sometimes getting to do things first can really benefit you, but I really believe the oldest wants to be babied just a little longer. It's a tough balance to encourage independence and not coddle, but give them the support that they need.
"It's like she's in command around here!" School schedules, nap schedules, activities and work are what structure our days. But, I often hear these type of comments when we cater to the youngest child. My oldest son, of course, forgets that his sister gets dragged around to school, soccer, basketball and every other thing that he does. But he is correct that I expect him to wait for me to do the things he wants me to in order to do things for her first - change her diaper, get a toy down, carry her around. It is frustrating to both of us that I often can't get around to building Legos, coloring pictures, etc. I try to make time for these things, but the truth is that they aren't as big of a priority as making dinner, keeping all of the people and the house clean and getting us where we need to go on time.
"You aren't in charge, Mom is." The oldest child typically wants to please their parents more than the younger ones. They take all of the pressure they feel and use it to try to parent their siblings. Since they are older and understand the logic behind most rules, they try to enforce them. Unfortunately, they aren't the parents and it usually backfires, leading to more frustration. In addition, they try to set a good example, but often aren't recognized for it. I think they often wonder, what is the point of doing the right things when no one even cares, but I get in trouble if I do the wrong things. As a parent, you are often fighting fires, and it's true you tend to ignore the ones who are behaving well, not on purpose, but because you are busy dealing with the child who is not.
Currently, my oldest is struggling with all of these things. He wants me to baby him, but doesn't want to do baby stuff. His current strategy is to pretend he doesn't know how to do things for himself (like put on his shoes), which absolutely infuriates me. He also is so frustrated that so much of my time is taken up by caring for his siblings and running our household. I feel for him in so many ways!! But, I can't stop expecting that he can dress himself, or carry his plate to the sink, or clean up his own toys. That would be a disservice to him too. I never experienced many of his frustrations because I was an only child and had my parents attention often. He and I are working through all of these feelings together, and hopefully will come out better for it on the other side.
Along the same lines, here is a funny little list that BuzzFeed put together.
Thoughts of the day...
"How come he doesn't have to do it himself?" Expectations are high. You are the oldest and because of that you are expected to do more, understand more, have more control and be more independent. With each new experience, parents look for feedback that they are actually raising a productive human being. This feedback comes in the form of good grades, good behavior, and success in activities. This creates pressure for the first born. Sometimes getting to do things first can really benefit you, but I really believe the oldest wants to be babied just a little longer. It's a tough balance to encourage independence and not coddle, but give them the support that they need.
"It's like she's in command around here!" School schedules, nap schedules, activities and work are what structure our days. But, I often hear these type of comments when we cater to the youngest child. My oldest son, of course, forgets that his sister gets dragged around to school, soccer, basketball and every other thing that he does. But he is correct that I expect him to wait for me to do the things he wants me to in order to do things for her first - change her diaper, get a toy down, carry her around. It is frustrating to both of us that I often can't get around to building Legos, coloring pictures, etc. I try to make time for these things, but the truth is that they aren't as big of a priority as making dinner, keeping all of the people and the house clean and getting us where we need to go on time.
"You aren't in charge, Mom is." The oldest child typically wants to please their parents more than the younger ones. They take all of the pressure they feel and use it to try to parent their siblings. Since they are older and understand the logic behind most rules, they try to enforce them. Unfortunately, they aren't the parents and it usually backfires, leading to more frustration. In addition, they try to set a good example, but often aren't recognized for it. I think they often wonder, what is the point of doing the right things when no one even cares, but I get in trouble if I do the wrong things. As a parent, you are often fighting fires, and it's true you tend to ignore the ones who are behaving well, not on purpose, but because you are busy dealing with the child who is not.
Currently, my oldest is struggling with all of these things. He wants me to baby him, but doesn't want to do baby stuff. His current strategy is to pretend he doesn't know how to do things for himself (like put on his shoes), which absolutely infuriates me. He also is so frustrated that so much of my time is taken up by caring for his siblings and running our household. I feel for him in so many ways!! But, I can't stop expecting that he can dress himself, or carry his plate to the sink, or clean up his own toys. That would be a disservice to him too. I never experienced many of his frustrations because I was an only child and had my parents attention often. He and I are working through all of these feelings together, and hopefully will come out better for it on the other side.
Along the same lines, here is a funny little list that BuzzFeed put together.
Thoughts of the day...
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