Who do you call (text) first?
Through the past few years of a journey down the self-awareness road, I have really come to understand that most people's actions, words and general personas are more related to things going on inside of them; and not a reaction to me, my actions, my words and my persona. While I can write this, knowing full well that it is true, I often find myself sliding back to the thought that others negative experiences are because of me. This has been in full effect this week.
One friend was having a bad day and all of the sudden I felt like I had made her day worse. She just wanted the day to be over and done with - a feeling we all know! But the fact was that the day wasn't over- she had to finish out the afternoon, dinner time, bed time. Those take energy and effort. Then, because children are children, one of my children annoyed her, adding to her list of things wrong with the day. This, of course, was unrelated to the many other reasons she already didn't like this particular Wednesday, but it didn't help. I immediately felt like her bad day was a result of my bad parenting, my annoying family.
This is a small example, but I doubt this version of social anxiety is specific to only my experience. We want so badly to positively affect those around us. I want to be a light to the people in my life. Someone they see who is up for an adventure, who they can confide in, who is loyal and shows up for them. I'm sure most people want to be like that. No one wants to be a burden or an annoyance.
Last week another friend had mentioned wanting to meet up. I texted her the next day, but never heard anything back. Each hour I thought, well maybe she will get back to me now and we would still have time to go to the park. I ended up seeing her later and she simply ran out of time to do all the things she wanted to do that day. She is being pulled in many directions, and just didn't have the bandwidth to add one more task to the list. Most women I know have so many emotional directions that they are pulled in, it's easy to get exhausted. I totally relate, but still felt sad and disappointed. Couldn't I be a person who could help? A person who could help her take on the world?
The real answer here is that most women I know expend so much energy just maintaining the house they live in and the family that lives there. These children have endless needs - they physically need clothes, food and someone to put them to bed; emotionally they need someone to listen to them, boundaries, snuggles and discipline. Husbands need support, discussion, date nights, activities. Houses need cleaning, organizing, gardening. Not to mention the logistics aspect of life: sports practices, dentist appointments, hair cuts, school activities. And then at the end of this, self-care: working out, the occasional pedicure, a walk in the sunshine, a concert, reading a good book.
No wonder that there is little left to fill someone else's cup.
While I do seek genuine connection with other women as a way to fill my own cup, I know that most of it has to come from me all by myself. One thing I have noticed though, is that while most women have to balance all of the above on their own, many of them are communicating with someone throughout it all. My question through all this though, is who? Who is the person that you text random rants to? You send silly pictures of your kids to? You ask questions that make you feel vulnerable? You commiserate with when you just don't want to adult anymore?
Thoughts of the day...
One friend was having a bad day and all of the sudden I felt like I had made her day worse. She just wanted the day to be over and done with - a feeling we all know! But the fact was that the day wasn't over- she had to finish out the afternoon, dinner time, bed time. Those take energy and effort. Then, because children are children, one of my children annoyed her, adding to her list of things wrong with the day. This, of course, was unrelated to the many other reasons she already didn't like this particular Wednesday, but it didn't help. I immediately felt like her bad day was a result of my bad parenting, my annoying family.
This is a small example, but I doubt this version of social anxiety is specific to only my experience. We want so badly to positively affect those around us. I want to be a light to the people in my life. Someone they see who is up for an adventure, who they can confide in, who is loyal and shows up for them. I'm sure most people want to be like that. No one wants to be a burden or an annoyance.
Last week another friend had mentioned wanting to meet up. I texted her the next day, but never heard anything back. Each hour I thought, well maybe she will get back to me now and we would still have time to go to the park. I ended up seeing her later and she simply ran out of time to do all the things she wanted to do that day. She is being pulled in many directions, and just didn't have the bandwidth to add one more task to the list. Most women I know have so many emotional directions that they are pulled in, it's easy to get exhausted. I totally relate, but still felt sad and disappointed. Couldn't I be a person who could help? A person who could help her take on the world?
The real answer here is that most women I know expend so much energy just maintaining the house they live in and the family that lives there. These children have endless needs - they physically need clothes, food and someone to put them to bed; emotionally they need someone to listen to them, boundaries, snuggles and discipline. Husbands need support, discussion, date nights, activities. Houses need cleaning, organizing, gardening. Not to mention the logistics aspect of life: sports practices, dentist appointments, hair cuts, school activities. And then at the end of this, self-care: working out, the occasional pedicure, a walk in the sunshine, a concert, reading a good book.
No wonder that there is little left to fill someone else's cup.
While I do seek genuine connection with other women as a way to fill my own cup, I know that most of it has to come from me all by myself. One thing I have noticed though, is that while most women have to balance all of the above on their own, many of them are communicating with someone throughout it all. My question through all this though, is who? Who is the person that you text random rants to? You send silly pictures of your kids to? You ask questions that make you feel vulnerable? You commiserate with when you just don't want to adult anymore?
Thoughts of the day...
Comments
Post a Comment