Looking in All the Wrong Places

How do we seek feedback on things that are going on in our life? 

Typically people do not listen to the people they should when genuinely trying to better themselves. I read an article recently that said the friend that is the hardest on you is actually the friend that cares the most if you are your best self. People who constantly expect a high standard do so because they know in their hearts that you are capable of meeting that standard. What makes that difficult is that the insecurities we have, the times we just don’t feel like being our best, or the perceived faults we have- we feel like we must hide away from these people. If they are so perfect, we think, they will just judge us for not being that way? Is that actually true though? Or is that just part of the lie our brain tells us?

Probably both. I have a friend who runs a lot of marathons. Quickly. Runs a lot of marathons and also very quickly. I, on the other hand, struggle to even convince myself to run three miles, three times a week. (Spoiler: I never do it). If I wanted to talk with someone about how to get and maintain motivation to run, or how to set goals to hold myself accountable, the best person to ask would be him. No doubt he has had to keep himself motivated many times over to meet his goals and probably has some wonderful tips for athletes at any level. Instead, it’s a lot more likely that I would choose to commiserate instead with another person at my own level. We would discuss how difficult it is to find time and how hard it is to get started on a workout plan. I would feel safe knowing that I am not the only one with this struggle, but did I actually make any progress toward change? Of course not.

Now the flip side of this equation, the lie that our brain tells us, is that if I asked him for advice, he would have difficulty putting himself in my shoes. How can she not even run nine miles a week when I run nine miles a day? Just get out there and do it! And while those thoughts may occur, I think it is much more likely that a person can empathize with someone else’s struggles, even if it is not a struggle they themselves are having. The difficulty is convincing the other person that you do, in fact, empathize with them, and can understand the difficulty, confusion or stress that they are going through.

Once there is trust built, filled with empathy and compassion, only then can a real conversation happen where actual feedback is discussed. No one person has the answer to another’s problems. It takes a lot of self-confidence to vulnerably discuss struggles, especially when you know the person you are talking to doesn’t have the same struggle. But gaining other’s perspectives is crucial to self-awareness and growth. It allows you to see a larger view of a small picture and begin to connect dots that you may have bypassed on your own.

You must have faith that even if someone doesn’t have the same challenge you do, they have had a challenge of some sort. And they can use their feelings of insecurity and being less-than to empathize with your same feelings in a different situation. So, in some ways, you are commiserating about the general challenges of being a thinking, feeling human on this spinning globe with other thinking, feeling humans. Because it’s really hard.

Thoughts of the day…