Too Close to #metoo

You may have seen a lot of Facebook status’ updated to “Me Too” to reflect the widespread occurrence of sexual harassment and sexual assault. Many men may be surprised how many women have been affected, but unfortunately, I doubt many women are that surprised. As teenagers, girls start to learn their appeal to men and work on navigating the difficult waters of sex and respect. Every woman I have ever met has dealt with catcalls, unwanted comments, unwanted touches and more.


Every family tries to prepares their boys and girls — we want them to understand consent, have respect for all people, and make safe decisions. Of course, all parents have also been young adults at one point, and recognize the scary traits of arrogance, selfishness and invincibility that they once possessed as well.


I am raising two boys and spend too much time trying to figure out if they will be respectful young men. Will they have self-confidence but not self-importance? Will they respect women and learn to be a good boyfriend, husband, and dad? Will they be a good friend, and also a good leader? Social happiness is a careful balance of being a good person, while still being able to have fun. In college, this is often fueled by a lot of alcohol and a limited amount of independent life experience, and that is where things usually take a turn.


I have been lucky that I have not experienced any scary or violent sexual assault episodes. I know several people in college that did — ranging from unwanted groping to violent, aggravated assault that ended in a prison sentence for the perpetrator. These episodes had nothing to do with the women and there wasn’t anything they could have done to prevent them.


There are many more small episodes that happen, however, when people get themselves in a situation that they do not know how to get out of. These are still not the women’s fault, but women do learn that they need to protect themselves.


About halfway through my freshman year of college, I had a situation that changed my outlook and my behavior. I was out for drinks at a local bar, par for the course with this particular group of friends. I was drinking gin, orange juice and cranberry juice which is disgusting but it was $2 gin drinks that night. I met some guy named Gavin who was fun and we were dancing. I think we kissed at the bar and then somehow ended up taking a cab back to his apartment. I was very drunk at this point.


We got to his apartment and I’m sure his assumption was that I was there to have sex with him. I’m not sure why I thought I was there. At one point, he started to take off his clothes. I quickly realized what was happening and burst into tears. I remember saying, “No I don’t want to do that!” among other drunken babble.


And then do you know what he did? He gathered up all of my things, called a cab, gave the cab driver $20 and told him to take me home. I fell asleep and the cabbie woke me up at my dorm.


Do you know how badly all of that could have gone???


I didn’t know my limit with my drinks, I didn’t think it was that important to stay with my friends, I didn’t know this guy or where he lived, I didn’t know how I would get home. It was literally absolutely terrible decision making from start to finish on my part. But because Gavin was a good guy, who was just out having a good time, and who didn’t want to push some crazy young girl past what she was comfortable with, I got home safely. On his dime. I also had a compassionate cab driver who took me home and got me inside.


The next morning I woke up, safe and unharmed in my bed. I felt so grateful for that. I reflected on all of the night’s events and decided that none of that was ever happening again. I recognized that this event was a sign that I was not in control of my actions and if I wanted to stay on the right path I needed to get back in control. I set new rules for myself regarding going out and stuck to them. I can’t say I never made any bad decisions after that, but I generally looked out for myself much more.


I am not sure if anything my parents could have told me would have prevented that experience. I’ve actually never really shared that story with anyone either. It doesn’t paint me in the best light of course, although now that it’s been 15 years I think the distance makes it safer to share. I’m sure when my parents read it they will be disappointed but I think I’ve made enough good decisions since then to offset it.


I struggle with what to tell my children about navigating young adulthood to keep them safe, since I know that so much of it is through experience. I can only hope that my young boys will grow up to be like Gavin, and help another young girl out there that has made some bad decisions get back on track. I hope my daughter can have a little more self control than I did, although I certainly knew a lot of girls that made a lot more bad decisions than I did.


There is one main takeaway. Being a good person behind closed doors, when no one else can see what you are doing, is what actually being a good person is all about. That is the message I hope to share with my kids one day.


Thoughts for the day….