Always Tribe Hunting
I see all these posts on Instagram of people snuggled up with 5 other girlfriends, and quotes like "find your tribe and love them hard," and I wonder what reality is like (since I know Insta isn't reality) when it comes to women and their friendships?
In my ideal world, I would have a group of six best girlfriends and they would all text me every day and send me pictures of their kids and complain about insignificant things and we would meet up for coffee and play dates. We would take group girls weekends and do dinners out. We would take each other's kids places, cook each other dinners when someone was sick, clean their houses when they needed it. They would go with me to workout or sit on my couch with a glass of wine and not work out. I would call them to laugh and cry about small things that happen and I would smile and cheer them on when they needed it.
This isn't exactly my every day life, although I am aware and grateful that I have many wonderful women in my life who fill many of these spaces for me.
In high school I really did have a group of 6 or 7 girls. I was closest to one or two of them, because it's hard to be close with six people, but even so we were a group and we did things together every week. We saw each other every day at school. We passed notes between classes, had sleepovers, gossiped, all the normal things. These girls now live in at least 5 different states, and although I do still keep in touch with almost all of them, it's not the same day to day as it was in high school of course.
In college I met a group of girls, who I thought would be my new tribe, until I realized that they weren't very good friends. They weren't loyal, they talked behind my back, and we just weren't a good fit. About 6 months into freshmen year I "broke up" with that group of friends, with the idea that I'd rather be a little lonely than be lied to. Shortly after that, I met my husband. So, it's probably his fault that I never really had a core group of girlfriends after that. After all, friendships take a lot of nurturing, time, and effort and school, work and a serious boyfriend take a lot of those things as well. All and all, it was obviously for the best since I married that guy!
Now don't get me wrong, most of my closest friends are from college, and I still talk to and see many of them regularly. I was a sorority girl with a group of great women and had other groups outside of that as well. I also moved away from both my hometown and the city I went to college in so it's my fault there is distance between me and my old besties, many of whom have also scattered themselves throughout the country.
After getting married and moving to Peoria I was determined to be more than just my husband's wife and to make some friends on my own. Luckily I found a great job with lots of young people and have met many great women there too. My husband's group of family and family friends is a large and extensive group as well, and now I feel like I know someone wherever I go, which is a comforting feeling of home.
All this said, I still don't know if I feel like I have a "tribe" of women who I am supporting the way I wish I could. I am the planner type, always reaching out to make plans with people, but I often wonder, if I never made any plans, would anyone ever call me? Would they want to hang out with me, invite me to things, make plans? Would they let me know when they needed help, or a person to vent to, or advice? How can I be more present in the lives of people I love?
This leads me back to my initial question, with everyone's busy lives, I wonder what the reality of adult friendship is like these days. Since most women in my life have husbands and children, what is realistic when it comes to seeing your girlfriends? How much contact does it take to make you feel close to someone?
I am aware that it takes a lot of contact for me to feel close to someone. If I haven't seen them in a month, I am pretty sure that they don't want to be my friend anymore. I have learned that this isn't true (hopefully). I run our family calendar and I definitely understand that there are just not enough hours and days to be with all the people you love. Especially when terrible things like work, school, cleaning and cooking get in the way. I also recognize that I should probably focus on a smaller circle - just working on loving those very close to me well. So I am doing that, but from time to time I still wonder if what I am living is normal, or am I missing out?
Thoughts of the day...
In my ideal world, I would have a group of six best girlfriends and they would all text me every day and send me pictures of their kids and complain about insignificant things and we would meet up for coffee and play dates. We would take group girls weekends and do dinners out. We would take each other's kids places, cook each other dinners when someone was sick, clean their houses when they needed it. They would go with me to workout or sit on my couch with a glass of wine and not work out. I would call them to laugh and cry about small things that happen and I would smile and cheer them on when they needed it.
This isn't exactly my every day life, although I am aware and grateful that I have many wonderful women in my life who fill many of these spaces for me.
In high school I really did have a group of 6 or 7 girls. I was closest to one or two of them, because it's hard to be close with six people, but even so we were a group and we did things together every week. We saw each other every day at school. We passed notes between classes, had sleepovers, gossiped, all the normal things. These girls now live in at least 5 different states, and although I do still keep in touch with almost all of them, it's not the same day to day as it was in high school of course.
In college I met a group of girls, who I thought would be my new tribe, until I realized that they weren't very good friends. They weren't loyal, they talked behind my back, and we just weren't a good fit. About 6 months into freshmen year I "broke up" with that group of friends, with the idea that I'd rather be a little lonely than be lied to. Shortly after that, I met my husband. So, it's probably his fault that I never really had a core group of girlfriends after that. After all, friendships take a lot of nurturing, time, and effort and school, work and a serious boyfriend take a lot of those things as well. All and all, it was obviously for the best since I married that guy!
Now don't get me wrong, most of my closest friends are from college, and I still talk to and see many of them regularly. I was a sorority girl with a group of great women and had other groups outside of that as well. I also moved away from both my hometown and the city I went to college in so it's my fault there is distance between me and my old besties, many of whom have also scattered themselves throughout the country.
After getting married and moving to Peoria I was determined to be more than just my husband's wife and to make some friends on my own. Luckily I found a great job with lots of young people and have met many great women there too. My husband's group of family and family friends is a large and extensive group as well, and now I feel like I know someone wherever I go, which is a comforting feeling of home.
All this said, I still don't know if I feel like I have a "tribe" of women who I am supporting the way I wish I could. I am the planner type, always reaching out to make plans with people, but I often wonder, if I never made any plans, would anyone ever call me? Would they want to hang out with me, invite me to things, make plans? Would they let me know when they needed help, or a person to vent to, or advice? How can I be more present in the lives of people I love?
This leads me back to my initial question, with everyone's busy lives, I wonder what the reality of adult friendship is like these days. Since most women in my life have husbands and children, what is realistic when it comes to seeing your girlfriends? How much contact does it take to make you feel close to someone?
I am aware that it takes a lot of contact for me to feel close to someone. If I haven't seen them in a month, I am pretty sure that they don't want to be my friend anymore. I have learned that this isn't true (hopefully). I run our family calendar and I definitely understand that there are just not enough hours and days to be with all the people you love. Especially when terrible things like work, school, cleaning and cooking get in the way. I also recognize that I should probably focus on a smaller circle - just working on loving those very close to me well. So I am doing that, but from time to time I still wonder if what I am living is normal, or am I missing out?
Thoughts of the day...
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