Fighting My Natural Tendencies as an Only Child
I'm reading a book recommended to me several times over called the Birth Order Book by Kevin Leman. Considering I think understanding why people are they way they are is fascinating, I knew I'd like it. I am an only child, which has plenty of it's own personality traits. In addition I have three kids that exemplify the book in every way, so far. A firstborn, a middle and a lastborn.
On the subject of firstborns and only children, one of their main traits is exactness, perfectionism and a driving force to accomplish. I have actually never really considered myself a perfectionist, and in some ways I stand by that. But, in reading his detail on perfectionism, I have realized that I am more of one than I thought. I have an ideal way that my day, life, family, job, house, encounters, etc should go, and when things don't stand up to my (often high) expectations, I am discouraged. Most days I think things went "well enough" that I happily move on to the next day, but it is something I think about every day.
Basically, I want so badly for things to go "well," that I feel like any time that isn't spent perfectly is wasted. In Chicago, over the weekend, we had an hour or two before our show which we spent just hanging out with my husband's family. Then, as everyone headed upstairs to get ready, my husband decided he wanted run to the store quickly. I went with him, because I don't like to miss out, but in my head I thought, why didn't you tell me you wanted to go, and we could have left lunch a half hour earlier!! He, of course, thought it was no big deal, and if I wanted more time to get ready I should just skip the store. This is a small example, but I am really learning to fight the feeling like every minute needs to be perfectly planned and spent.
On the same topic, I constantly feel like time is running out. My oldest child will be six next month (!) and part of me thinks about all the experiences he hasn't had as a toddler/little kid. Did we go to the beach enough? Did he play in the woods? Did I read enough books? If I listed out for you everything I have taken my kids to in the last six years it would be enough for 400 blog entries, but I still feel like maybe he could have had a better younger childhood. This is the constant push for accomplishment that I am working on balancing.
Another thing the author mentioned is that firstborns/only children tend to view the glass half empty. At first, I balked. No! I am an optimist! But, upon reflection, I realized that I often worry about things going wrong. Chatting with my mom and my husband over the weekend, I said "I've thought before about what kind of cancer I'll probably get, I'm just hoping it's an early stage, easy treatment kind so I can get through the awful part and move on." My mom, a firstborn, nodded, because she has probably considered the same thing. My husband, a lastborn, looked at me like I was crazy and commented that thinking about those things is a waste of time and an unnecessary cause of anxiety. I am working on being a true optimist. For now, I am focusing on gratitude.
The final takeaway, which all this leads up to, is a comment the author made where he said that firstborns/only children tell themselves the lie that they only matter when they are productive. I find myself often busy-ing around doing this or that and always have a to-do list a mile long. I tell myself, if I didn't do it, who would?! In some ways, that's true - someone has to do the laundry, and a lot of my time spent thinking and planning benefits our family - outings, travel, sports, fun projects at home, etc. But, I have to constantly work to just sit and enjoy being home with my kids. To listen and play. To do nothing for a couple hours, just because that's ok to do.
Well I am about half way through the book and look at all I've learned already!
Thoughts for the day...
On the subject of firstborns and only children, one of their main traits is exactness, perfectionism and a driving force to accomplish. I have actually never really considered myself a perfectionist, and in some ways I stand by that. But, in reading his detail on perfectionism, I have realized that I am more of one than I thought. I have an ideal way that my day, life, family, job, house, encounters, etc should go, and when things don't stand up to my (often high) expectations, I am discouraged. Most days I think things went "well enough" that I happily move on to the next day, but it is something I think about every day.
Basically, I want so badly for things to go "well," that I feel like any time that isn't spent perfectly is wasted. In Chicago, over the weekend, we had an hour or two before our show which we spent just hanging out with my husband's family. Then, as everyone headed upstairs to get ready, my husband decided he wanted run to the store quickly. I went with him, because I don't like to miss out, but in my head I thought, why didn't you tell me you wanted to go, and we could have left lunch a half hour earlier!! He, of course, thought it was no big deal, and if I wanted more time to get ready I should just skip the store. This is a small example, but I am really learning to fight the feeling like every minute needs to be perfectly planned and spent.
On the same topic, I constantly feel like time is running out. My oldest child will be six next month (!) and part of me thinks about all the experiences he hasn't had as a toddler/little kid. Did we go to the beach enough? Did he play in the woods? Did I read enough books? If I listed out for you everything I have taken my kids to in the last six years it would be enough for 400 blog entries, but I still feel like maybe he could have had a better younger childhood. This is the constant push for accomplishment that I am working on balancing.
Another thing the author mentioned is that firstborns/only children tend to view the glass half empty. At first, I balked. No! I am an optimist! But, upon reflection, I realized that I often worry about things going wrong. Chatting with my mom and my husband over the weekend, I said "I've thought before about what kind of cancer I'll probably get, I'm just hoping it's an early stage, easy treatment kind so I can get through the awful part and move on." My mom, a firstborn, nodded, because she has probably considered the same thing. My husband, a lastborn, looked at me like I was crazy and commented that thinking about those things is a waste of time and an unnecessary cause of anxiety. I am working on being a true optimist. For now, I am focusing on gratitude.
The final takeaway, which all this leads up to, is a comment the author made where he said that firstborns/only children tell themselves the lie that they only matter when they are productive. I find myself often busy-ing around doing this or that and always have a to-do list a mile long. I tell myself, if I didn't do it, who would?! In some ways, that's true - someone has to do the laundry, and a lot of my time spent thinking and planning benefits our family - outings, travel, sports, fun projects at home, etc. But, I have to constantly work to just sit and enjoy being home with my kids. To listen and play. To do nothing for a couple hours, just because that's ok to do.
Well I am about half way through the book and look at all I've learned already!
Thoughts for the day...
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