The Truth About Being an Only Child
Roughly 80% of people have a sibling, a brother or a sister. They might be close or far apart in age, they may or may not get along, but most people out there have a person who is undeniably family. They shared a parent growing up, and also countless memories, family secrets, traditions and other "family" stuff.
I do not have a sibling. Just me, my mom and my dad growing up. It wasn't necessarily on purpose, but it is what happened, and since then I have fielded the question, "what is it like?" on more than one occasion.
There are a lot of pros to being an only child, especially if you like close knit family relationships. I have seen first hand some difficult relationships between parents and children, sometimes to the point where they break contact with one another. I truly believe that this almost never occurs in only children families.
From day one, your little triangle of people is a team. A three person family structure rarely leads to choosing sides, because someone would be all alone. Rather, it's all three together, all the time. Even in only children families that are separated by divorce, there is still a strong sense of a two-person team, taking on the world together.
Part of this strong team means you always have two people rooting for you. Since you are their only child, your parents have plenty of time and attention to give you. Every story you tell is important, every picture you color is wonderful. I always felt like my thoughts were heard and valued, and I know I still seek that same acceptance today as an adult. It is a tough life lesson to learn that most people don't care what you think when for your whole early life the most important people to you cared a lot.
You have moral support to do anything you want to do. You don't have to play soccer because your brother does and it's easier to go to two practices on Tuesdays at the same place. You don't need to play clarinet because your older sister did and now there's an old one laying around. Of course, taken too far this is where only children get the bad rap of being entitled and bossy, having gotten their way their whole life they expect everyone else to do as they wish. Only children also typically try very hard to earn the praise of their parents though, and this typically leads to productivity, achievement and a good work ethic.
Keeping in line with the theme of togetherness, there are plenty of differences in home life as well. As a child, many kids go to their room to get away from the family and have some alone time. Not the case in an only child family, you all just sit in the same room together! In a large family, some people may want to do one thing while others choose something else. Not so in an only child family, all three people go to everything together. Growing up I watched adult TV shows with my parents, not kid shows by myself. I worked on construction projects with my dad and house projects with my mom often instead of playing with toys by myself. I was always comfortable around adults, my friends parents, teachers, etc because I viewed myself as the same as them in so many ways instead of being different.
So to recap the good: a close family, a lot of emotional support, a lot of choice in interests and hobbies, and the deep, deep knowledge that you have someone on your side. There is never the paranoia that your sibling is the favorite; the constant comparisons to siblings and their achievements, personality traits and desires. You can be you and be loved.
I married a great guy who is the youngest of four. In addition he has many, many aunts and uncles and tons of cousins. Like more than 30. I have 5. Needless to say, family events were a different type of thing for him growing up. There are a few things about siblings that I have learned I am missing out on.
One is simple, you have no one else to talk about your family with. All families go through some hard times, and I do think only children are generally pretty open with their parents, but you still don't talk about all the issues. No one really knows your parents the way you do, and so other people can only discuss them at a surface level. I'm lucky I have a great aunt, grandma and cousin that have filled a lot of that void for me, but it's never exactly the same.
In a similar vein, although your siblings may annoy you, you know you can still count on them at the end of the day. While I know I can call my parents any time day or night, my list gets pretty short after that. I have been lucky to have good friends at each different life stage who have felt like sisters, but deep down I know it's not the same. They inevitably have priorities, like their own families, that are higher up than me.
Everything is done at a smaller level too. Unless you have a long list of friends, throwing a birthday party with 50 people could be hard. When you have 25 cousins, it's easier. Want to get mom a $800 Christmas gift? Not too hard with a few siblings, but that is a lot to handle for an only.
That leads to the biggest one of all, which is that your parents eventually are going to get old. Independence is a strong trait in my little triangle of a family, and I hope that my parents can hold on to it for as long as possible. From a care perspective, as well as financially, being an only is a drawback here. Every child wants to give back to their parents they way they were invested in, but it is tricky when there is no siblings to help you manage medical decisions, financial decisions and the day to day of getting old.
So to recap the bad: no one to truly confide in, a smaller circle and the pressure of taking care of them singlehandedly.
Overall, there are a lot of expectations placed on an only child, because you are all they've got! You feel the pressure of fulfilling all of their dreams for a child. I will say, because you have constant support, and no one else to compare yourself too for most of your formative years, most only children I know have the self-confidence they need to stand up to these expectations. No choice is the right choice here, just know that either way....the kids are okay!
Thoughts for the day....
I do not have a sibling. Just me, my mom and my dad growing up. It wasn't necessarily on purpose, but it is what happened, and since then I have fielded the question, "what is it like?" on more than one occasion.
There are a lot of pros to being an only child, especially if you like close knit family relationships. I have seen first hand some difficult relationships between parents and children, sometimes to the point where they break contact with one another. I truly believe that this almost never occurs in only children families.
From day one, your little triangle of people is a team. A three person family structure rarely leads to choosing sides, because someone would be all alone. Rather, it's all three together, all the time. Even in only children families that are separated by divorce, there is still a strong sense of a two-person team, taking on the world together.
Part of this strong team means you always have two people rooting for you. Since you are their only child, your parents have plenty of time and attention to give you. Every story you tell is important, every picture you color is wonderful. I always felt like my thoughts were heard and valued, and I know I still seek that same acceptance today as an adult. It is a tough life lesson to learn that most people don't care what you think when for your whole early life the most important people to you cared a lot.
You have moral support to do anything you want to do. You don't have to play soccer because your brother does and it's easier to go to two practices on Tuesdays at the same place. You don't need to play clarinet because your older sister did and now there's an old one laying around. Of course, taken too far this is where only children get the bad rap of being entitled and bossy, having gotten their way their whole life they expect everyone else to do as they wish. Only children also typically try very hard to earn the praise of their parents though, and this typically leads to productivity, achievement and a good work ethic.
Keeping in line with the theme of togetherness, there are plenty of differences in home life as well. As a child, many kids go to their room to get away from the family and have some alone time. Not the case in an only child family, you all just sit in the same room together! In a large family, some people may want to do one thing while others choose something else. Not so in an only child family, all three people go to everything together. Growing up I watched adult TV shows with my parents, not kid shows by myself. I worked on construction projects with my dad and house projects with my mom often instead of playing with toys by myself. I was always comfortable around adults, my friends parents, teachers, etc because I viewed myself as the same as them in so many ways instead of being different.
So to recap the good: a close family, a lot of emotional support, a lot of choice in interests and hobbies, and the deep, deep knowledge that you have someone on your side. There is never the paranoia that your sibling is the favorite; the constant comparisons to siblings and their achievements, personality traits and desires. You can be you and be loved.
I married a great guy who is the youngest of four. In addition he has many, many aunts and uncles and tons of cousins. Like more than 30. I have 5. Needless to say, family events were a different type of thing for him growing up. There are a few things about siblings that I have learned I am missing out on.
One is simple, you have no one else to talk about your family with. All families go through some hard times, and I do think only children are generally pretty open with their parents, but you still don't talk about all the issues. No one really knows your parents the way you do, and so other people can only discuss them at a surface level. I'm lucky I have a great aunt, grandma and cousin that have filled a lot of that void for me, but it's never exactly the same.
In a similar vein, although your siblings may annoy you, you know you can still count on them at the end of the day. While I know I can call my parents any time day or night, my list gets pretty short after that. I have been lucky to have good friends at each different life stage who have felt like sisters, but deep down I know it's not the same. They inevitably have priorities, like their own families, that are higher up than me.
Everything is done at a smaller level too. Unless you have a long list of friends, throwing a birthday party with 50 people could be hard. When you have 25 cousins, it's easier. Want to get mom a $800 Christmas gift? Not too hard with a few siblings, but that is a lot to handle for an only.
That leads to the biggest one of all, which is that your parents eventually are going to get old. Independence is a strong trait in my little triangle of a family, and I hope that my parents can hold on to it for as long as possible. From a care perspective, as well as financially, being an only is a drawback here. Every child wants to give back to their parents they way they were invested in, but it is tricky when there is no siblings to help you manage medical decisions, financial decisions and the day to day of getting old.
So to recap the bad: no one to truly confide in, a smaller circle and the pressure of taking care of them singlehandedly.
Overall, there are a lot of expectations placed on an only child, because you are all they've got! You feel the pressure of fulfilling all of their dreams for a child. I will say, because you have constant support, and no one else to compare yourself too for most of your formative years, most only children I know have the self-confidence they need to stand up to these expectations. No choice is the right choice here, just know that either way....the kids are okay!
Thoughts for the day....
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