What It's Like to be a Strong-Willed Child
There have been many books and articles written about how to manage a strong-willed child. Countless Google searches lead you to discipline strategies, positive reinforcement and other forms of terrorist negotiation. Sometimes these experts call these children "spirited;" other articles use "defiant." Generally speaking, strong-willed children tend to have opinions about almost everything, and will persist through great stress to get their way. Of course all toddlers, desperate to have some control over their little lives, express frustration when they don't get their way. But the truly "spirited" child takes it a step further, and often the whole family learns to pick their battles - or everything will be a battle! I know this is a hot topic in the parenting advice world, because I myself have searched for answers, strategies, reassurances and more in dealing with my big personality, loyal and loving, persistent and strong-willed child.
I have always found that my best successes come from truly trying to see things from his perspective, so I can recognize and understand his feelings - something he, at 4, is still learning to do. I am not always good at this; I tend to lose my temper with him easily but it never helps. In my four years of trying to figure him out, from what I can tell, this is what it's like to be a strong-willed child.
They always look out for inequality. Before my younger son could talk, I distinctly remember walking into the playroom with two cookies. I handed my oldest son one. My younger son immediately started yelling at me, assuming I didn't have a cookie for him. I did, and I handed it to him. Fast forward 4 years and to this day, every time another child, sibling or any other person receives something (candy, a cookie, a first turn with the ball, the first party favor out of a dozen), his response is "Hey, where is mine!" Even after years and years of equal (or preferential!) treatment he is on the front lines waiting for the time he is forgotten. Strong-willed children are intent on getting "their fair share" and they have a specific idea of what that looks like.
Strategies: The easiest option is to give that child the first cookie and then hand the rest out, which is good every once and awhile but obviously that is not how life works. Once they are old enough to understand some reasoning (which is earlier than you think), a simple "I have one for you too" or "you will get your turn after Claire" is often enough reassurance to keep the outbursts at bay. Sometimes there isn't a cookie for everyone though, and a good strategy then is to find something else for that child to make them feel special, and not forgotten. Getting to pick the bedtime book, a snack, or an extra 10 minutes of TV can all be simple positives to make them feel seen.
They are scared to lose (control). No one likes to lose, but the strong-willed child is terrified of failure because it is out of their control, and they love to be in control. Especially in situations where they may be younger than others, less experienced or outnumbered, they need a strategy to cope with and manage these feelings. And their strategies for avoiding losing run the gamut. Last year, my son decided he was done with soccer, and refused to play in games for 3 weeks straight. If we are playing a board game and he thinks he is losing, he quits. If a group of children is playing a outside and he feels like he can't keep up, he tells them their game is not fun and he's leaving. He usually wants to play, but is scared he won't be able to handle the outcome. They fear unknown outcomes, and react by trying to control as much as possible.
Strategies: If losing is bad, losing in front of a lot of people is worse. Allowing a child to experience failure with people who make him feel safe can help them deal with the feelings in a more mature way. Let them add a rule to the game, or have a say in what is going on, to make them feel a part of what is happening around them. Avoid telling them "too bad, this is how it is" or you are in for a long argument! Acknowledge when they are trying hard to be a team player or doing something that makes them feel vulnerable. Offer a snuggle or some other physical touch to help them cope when you can tell their feelings are getting the best of them.
They despise being made to do anything. Independence and autonomy are the love languages of strong-willed children. They want to do things their way, always. If the child needs to do something that they don't see a purpose for, they will resist. If the child needs to do something that requires waiting, being patient, or otherwise relenting to a different time table than their own, they will resist. If you give them an outright command, they will resist. It takes a lot of creativity to avoid resistance at every turn!
Strategies: Give choices. Always. Choices on clothing, food, which car door to get into, which show to watch, which fruit to eat, and everything else possible - give a choice. Sometimes this can mean would you like grapes or an apple. If you have to read a specific book - do you want to read it tonight or in the morning? Another good strategy is to suggest they solve the problem. For example, say the child took a book from their sister and they need to give it back (the examples are happening right in front of my eyes!). How would you like to give the book back to her? My son decided to go hide it under a pillow. He couldn't stand the thought of giving it directly to her like I asked, but knew it was right to let her have it back. So he put it under a pillow and she went and got it out. While it annoys me, it's a typical compromise that he and I make daily. The more things that can be done on their terms, the happier they are.
I have also found that when I give choices often, the times there are no choice in the matter go better. I used to fight with my son about wearing nothing but athletic clothes all day, every day. He has so many other nice clothes that he never chooses and it frustrated me. Once I decided to let it go and let him choose what he wears, he lets me choose his outfits now more than ever and never puts up a fight if I ask him to wear something nice for a reason (church, dinner, etc.). I truly think that strong-willed children don't want to fight, but they feel like they have no other options. And once a fight is started, they will dig their heels in for a long time.
It isn't all bad, though.
Sure, raising these small people into productive adults involves a large number of angry outbursts, tantrums, refusals, and demands. They become expert negotiators who manipulate rules to their advantage and work hard to put their needs first. They can be bossy, and when their feelings get hurt - downright mean. They choose the rules they like and often disobey the ones they don't. There are days where I feel like I am constantly disciplining and fighting with my son, which usually leads to more defiance. It's a no fun cycle for us both.
But still, it isn't all bad.
An eye for equality, a drive to be successful, and an independent spirit are wonderful, positive traits for most people. Specifically, they look out for themselves - but also the people that they love too. My son is the first in line to get a cookie, but would always get one for his brother and sister too. He genuinely wants the people he loves to get the things they want, and will fight for them too. I'm positive my daughter won't have any deadbeat boyfriends if my son has anything to say about it.
He wants to be successful, even if it's on his own terms. His competitive spirit compels him to try to learn things at the same pace as his older brother. He is my cleanest child, conscientious about following the rules of our house. He takes pride in his possessions. He is independent, finding friends everywhere and managing relationships daily. He is extremely affectionate (to a fault) and enjoys having people to love in his life.
The same enthusiasm these children bring to arguing they bring to the fun things in life too. I have never gotten more joy out of watching a child open a present than from watching my strong-willed boy on Christmas. He is ecstatic to see a friend; thrilled to involve people in his world.
Although my journey with my strong-willed child is far from over, I have seen a lot of improvement in the last year in regards to his ability to regulate his strong, negative feelings. I've watched him articulate his thoughts with words, choose solutions that work for everyone and not just him, and even sometimes do what the other person wants. Maybe some of these traits are consistent with the little ones in your life, and these strategies can help!
I love you Blake!
Thoughts of the day...
I have always found that my best successes come from truly trying to see things from his perspective, so I can recognize and understand his feelings - something he, at 4, is still learning to do. I am not always good at this; I tend to lose my temper with him easily but it never helps. In my four years of trying to figure him out, from what I can tell, this is what it's like to be a strong-willed child.
They always look out for inequality. Before my younger son could talk, I distinctly remember walking into the playroom with two cookies. I handed my oldest son one. My younger son immediately started yelling at me, assuming I didn't have a cookie for him. I did, and I handed it to him. Fast forward 4 years and to this day, every time another child, sibling or any other person receives something (candy, a cookie, a first turn with the ball, the first party favor out of a dozen), his response is "Hey, where is mine!" Even after years and years of equal (or preferential!) treatment he is on the front lines waiting for the time he is forgotten. Strong-willed children are intent on getting "their fair share" and they have a specific idea of what that looks like.
Strategies: The easiest option is to give that child the first cookie and then hand the rest out, which is good every once and awhile but obviously that is not how life works. Once they are old enough to understand some reasoning (which is earlier than you think), a simple "I have one for you too" or "you will get your turn after Claire" is often enough reassurance to keep the outbursts at bay. Sometimes there isn't a cookie for everyone though, and a good strategy then is to find something else for that child to make them feel special, and not forgotten. Getting to pick the bedtime book, a snack, or an extra 10 minutes of TV can all be simple positives to make them feel seen.
They are scared to lose (control). No one likes to lose, but the strong-willed child is terrified of failure because it is out of their control, and they love to be in control. Especially in situations where they may be younger than others, less experienced or outnumbered, they need a strategy to cope with and manage these feelings. And their strategies for avoiding losing run the gamut. Last year, my son decided he was done with soccer, and refused to play in games for 3 weeks straight. If we are playing a board game and he thinks he is losing, he quits. If a group of children is playing a outside and he feels like he can't keep up, he tells them their game is not fun and he's leaving. He usually wants to play, but is scared he won't be able to handle the outcome. They fear unknown outcomes, and react by trying to control as much as possible.
Strategies: If losing is bad, losing in front of a lot of people is worse. Allowing a child to experience failure with people who make him feel safe can help them deal with the feelings in a more mature way. Let them add a rule to the game, or have a say in what is going on, to make them feel a part of what is happening around them. Avoid telling them "too bad, this is how it is" or you are in for a long argument! Acknowledge when they are trying hard to be a team player or doing something that makes them feel vulnerable. Offer a snuggle or some other physical touch to help them cope when you can tell their feelings are getting the best of them.
They despise being made to do anything. Independence and autonomy are the love languages of strong-willed children. They want to do things their way, always. If the child needs to do something that they don't see a purpose for, they will resist. If the child needs to do something that requires waiting, being patient, or otherwise relenting to a different time table than their own, they will resist. If you give them an outright command, they will resist. It takes a lot of creativity to avoid resistance at every turn!
Strategies: Give choices. Always. Choices on clothing, food, which car door to get into, which show to watch, which fruit to eat, and everything else possible - give a choice. Sometimes this can mean would you like grapes or an apple. If you have to read a specific book - do you want to read it tonight or in the morning? Another good strategy is to suggest they solve the problem. For example, say the child took a book from their sister and they need to give it back (the examples are happening right in front of my eyes!). How would you like to give the book back to her? My son decided to go hide it under a pillow. He couldn't stand the thought of giving it directly to her like I asked, but knew it was right to let her have it back. So he put it under a pillow and she went and got it out. While it annoys me, it's a typical compromise that he and I make daily. The more things that can be done on their terms, the happier they are.
I have also found that when I give choices often, the times there are no choice in the matter go better. I used to fight with my son about wearing nothing but athletic clothes all day, every day. He has so many other nice clothes that he never chooses and it frustrated me. Once I decided to let it go and let him choose what he wears, he lets me choose his outfits now more than ever and never puts up a fight if I ask him to wear something nice for a reason (church, dinner, etc.). I truly think that strong-willed children don't want to fight, but they feel like they have no other options. And once a fight is started, they will dig their heels in for a long time.
It isn't all bad, though.
Sure, raising these small people into productive adults involves a large number of angry outbursts, tantrums, refusals, and demands. They become expert negotiators who manipulate rules to their advantage and work hard to put their needs first. They can be bossy, and when their feelings get hurt - downright mean. They choose the rules they like and often disobey the ones they don't. There are days where I feel like I am constantly disciplining and fighting with my son, which usually leads to more defiance. It's a no fun cycle for us both.
But still, it isn't all bad.
An eye for equality, a drive to be successful, and an independent spirit are wonderful, positive traits for most people. Specifically, they look out for themselves - but also the people that they love too. My son is the first in line to get a cookie, but would always get one for his brother and sister too. He genuinely wants the people he loves to get the things they want, and will fight for them too. I'm positive my daughter won't have any deadbeat boyfriends if my son has anything to say about it.
He wants to be successful, even if it's on his own terms. His competitive spirit compels him to try to learn things at the same pace as his older brother. He is my cleanest child, conscientious about following the rules of our house. He takes pride in his possessions. He is independent, finding friends everywhere and managing relationships daily. He is extremely affectionate (to a fault) and enjoys having people to love in his life.
The same enthusiasm these children bring to arguing they bring to the fun things in life too. I have never gotten more joy out of watching a child open a present than from watching my strong-willed boy on Christmas. He is ecstatic to see a friend; thrilled to involve people in his world.
Although my journey with my strong-willed child is far from over, I have seen a lot of improvement in the last year in regards to his ability to regulate his strong, negative feelings. I've watched him articulate his thoughts with words, choose solutions that work for everyone and not just him, and even sometimes do what the other person wants. Maybe some of these traits are consistent with the little ones in your life, and these strategies can help!
I love you Blake!
Thoughts of the day...
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