You Don't Have to Make Your Child Happy
Hello friends. Long time, no talk! On my mind today is something that I see playing out over and over again around me. Parents bending over backwards to ensure their children don't experience unhappiness, discomfort, or negative feelings. It ABSOLUTELY comes from a place of extreme love, but I just can't help but think it isn't that good for the child. In this age of intensive parenting it has become the norm to make sure our children have everything they need provided for them - and who really can argue that it's harmful? But still, life has its ups and downs - how do you teach the little ones to navigate both successfully?
To start, let's be clear, I deeply love all three of my children. I would do just about anything for them, spend far too much of my time thinking about their thoughts, feelings, wants and needs, and genuinely DO want them to be happy. Happy children and more importantly happy adults. Why, you may say, more importantly? Because as adults they will be in charge of their happiness on their own. They are young and haven't learned that yet. They think that happiness comes in the form of hugs, lollipops and late bedtimes. While inarguably those things do cause some immediate happiness, true happiness exists without candy or treats, and my children need to learn to access the happiness inside of themselves simply for being 100% of whatever God intended for them to be.
To do this, they must be confident in who they are, and that comes along with two distinct abilities:
1.) To cope with negative outcomes, so they can quickly rise above them and come back to a positive mindset. If they never experience their feelings, how will they learn to accept them? What if they trip and fall on their road of life and mama isn't there to pick them back up? What if a mean bully calls them a name when dad isn't looking? What if it's nothing more than they feel loneliness, boredom, experience an awkward social encounter, or feel embarrassed. It is impossible to make it through life without these feelings, and to be honest, conquering them at 5 years old is great preparation for having to deal with them again at 10, and then at 15, and at 25.
2.) To push forward for themselves and things they want and need. I will not always be there to make social connections for my kids, help them learn a new skill, encourage them to join a group. If they want to push for the things they want, they must learn to articulate their wants and independently go for their dreams. I think independence is one of the main ways to build confidence.
I know for so many of us parents though it is a struggle to balance letting your child try, and possibly fail and protecting them from the big bad world! I feel like the independence I experienced as a child and teenager helped me, but how do I also keep my children safe? I traveled to Mexico and Europe, would I let my kids do that? Nothing happened to me of course, but could it have? How do you balance the urge to control your child's environment and let them explore?
I try hard to let them do as much as they can if they can prove responsibility, but it is very difficult. And although I aspire to continue to be that way when they are teenagers, will I be able to do it? It means trusting them, trusting their peers, trusting strangers. I firmly believe most people are good, but what if they run into someone who isn't?
In addition to letting children independently choose things, we all must learn to accept some less-than-perfect scenarios. It is ok if sometimes your child is cold, forgot something they were supposed to bring, wore mismatched clothes, etc. How else will they learn to put on a coat, remember their lunch, dress themselves? It isn't a reflection on you as a parent, expecting perfection is just setting yourself up for disappointment anyway.
This balance between allowing and fostering an independent spirit and keeping them safe is a never ending struggle. On the flip side, we can't let children do whatever they want. They need structure, rules and discipline. They need a routine and firm parental guidance. We aren't their friends after all.
This means that sometimes the children experience or discomfort- when they don't get what they want! It's brutal to battle that every day, but oh-so-necessary. For their benefit, and YOURS.
I ALSO deserve to be happy. And sometimes happiness means making time for myself, taking care of my body and spirit, spending time with my husband and my friends and other things that do not align with my children's desires. Maybe my kids don't want to go to the babysitter, maybe they don't want me to clean the house instead of play with them, maybe they don't want to put on their own shoes. But, I am the parent and my job is not to listen to their wants. It is to provide love and structure, safety and guidance, and apparently, a lot of food!!
Remember you are still a person who deserves to be happy and your positivity will play a far bigger role in influencing your children in a positive way than the one hour they have to spend in the gym daycare (for example) will negatively impact them. I would argue that the discomfort of being away from mom, with strangers, and not having everything catered to them is imperative to them developing coping skills! This is just one small example of course. Selfless love is a key part of parenting, but don't be a martyr!
Overall, allowing children to have bad days, experience unhappiness and deal with negative feelings is so crucial, but it is such a minefield to navigate. I don't have any answers here, just try my best every day to keep myself and the small people headed toward a life of happiness (even if that doesn't make them happy today).
Thoughts of the day....
To start, let's be clear, I deeply love all three of my children. I would do just about anything for them, spend far too much of my time thinking about their thoughts, feelings, wants and needs, and genuinely DO want them to be happy. Happy children and more importantly happy adults. Why, you may say, more importantly? Because as adults they will be in charge of their happiness on their own. They are young and haven't learned that yet. They think that happiness comes in the form of hugs, lollipops and late bedtimes. While inarguably those things do cause some immediate happiness, true happiness exists without candy or treats, and my children need to learn to access the happiness inside of themselves simply for being 100% of whatever God intended for them to be.
To do this, they must be confident in who they are, and that comes along with two distinct abilities:
1.) To cope with negative outcomes, so they can quickly rise above them and come back to a positive mindset. If they never experience their feelings, how will they learn to accept them? What if they trip and fall on their road of life and mama isn't there to pick them back up? What if a mean bully calls them a name when dad isn't looking? What if it's nothing more than they feel loneliness, boredom, experience an awkward social encounter, or feel embarrassed. It is impossible to make it through life without these feelings, and to be honest, conquering them at 5 years old is great preparation for having to deal with them again at 10, and then at 15, and at 25.
2.) To push forward for themselves and things they want and need. I will not always be there to make social connections for my kids, help them learn a new skill, encourage them to join a group. If they want to push for the things they want, they must learn to articulate their wants and independently go for their dreams. I think independence is one of the main ways to build confidence.
I know for so many of us parents though it is a struggle to balance letting your child try, and possibly fail and protecting them from the big bad world! I feel like the independence I experienced as a child and teenager helped me, but how do I also keep my children safe? I traveled to Mexico and Europe, would I let my kids do that? Nothing happened to me of course, but could it have? How do you balance the urge to control your child's environment and let them explore?
I try hard to let them do as much as they can if they can prove responsibility, but it is very difficult. And although I aspire to continue to be that way when they are teenagers, will I be able to do it? It means trusting them, trusting their peers, trusting strangers. I firmly believe most people are good, but what if they run into someone who isn't?
In addition to letting children independently choose things, we all must learn to accept some less-than-perfect scenarios. It is ok if sometimes your child is cold, forgot something they were supposed to bring, wore mismatched clothes, etc. How else will they learn to put on a coat, remember their lunch, dress themselves? It isn't a reflection on you as a parent, expecting perfection is just setting yourself up for disappointment anyway.
This balance between allowing and fostering an independent spirit and keeping them safe is a never ending struggle. On the flip side, we can't let children do whatever they want. They need structure, rules and discipline. They need a routine and firm parental guidance. We aren't their friends after all.
This means that sometimes the children experience or discomfort- when they don't get what they want! It's brutal to battle that every day, but oh-so-necessary. For their benefit, and YOURS.
I ALSO deserve to be happy. And sometimes happiness means making time for myself, taking care of my body and spirit, spending time with my husband and my friends and other things that do not align with my children's desires. Maybe my kids don't want to go to the babysitter, maybe they don't want me to clean the house instead of play with them, maybe they don't want to put on their own shoes. But, I am the parent and my job is not to listen to their wants. It is to provide love and structure, safety and guidance, and apparently, a lot of food!!
Remember you are still a person who deserves to be happy and your positivity will play a far bigger role in influencing your children in a positive way than the one hour they have to spend in the gym daycare (for example) will negatively impact them. I would argue that the discomfort of being away from mom, with strangers, and not having everything catered to them is imperative to them developing coping skills! This is just one small example of course. Selfless love is a key part of parenting, but don't be a martyr!
Overall, allowing children to have bad days, experience unhappiness and deal with negative feelings is so crucial, but it is such a minefield to navigate. I don't have any answers here, just try my best every day to keep myself and the small people headed toward a life of happiness (even if that doesn't make them happy today).
Thoughts of the day....
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