Why You Can't Be Vulnerable on Social Media
A friend of mine recently shared an excerpt from a book she's reading, and it joked about sancti-mommies and their opinions. You know, moms who come off as know it alls, or always have a better way to do things, and definitely ones who always avoid mentioning their challenges. As a mom, I certainly see mom-culture and I totally understand how this can happen. People naturally have different standards and oftentimes choose to do things differently. Even if you are avoiding being judgemental, it's hard not to judge a little when you decided to do things a different way. Since we are all trying to do the best for our children - inherently that would mean you prefer the choices you made. In a nutshell, you think your choice is better, because it's the choice you made.
I also think that most of us, at least in my community, offer each other some grace and certainly the benefit of the doubt that we are all trying our best. The best for our children but also while also balancing the other stresses of life: work, family, paying the bills, personal growth, health concerns, etc. These outside factors often determine how we are coping with parenting.
The excerpt my friend shared made a funny joke at the end, simply paraphrased as "keep pretending on Facebook but some of us know you in real life." And it made me laugh, because it is so true. We'd love to know the issues others have to ease our insecurities. I've given some thought to why we can't be more vulnerable in sharing and it's a complex issue. First off, some people don't like to (or don't feel the need to) share anything at all. Others find it a nice way to build camaraderie and connection, to share snippets of their life. For me, my social media serves a few purposes: it keeps my memories for me (I often scroll back to find a memory), it shares them with my family and friends (many of who we don't see every day), and it highlights the good we are going through.
That last point is telling though -it only highlights the good. When looking back, I prefer to remember the positive and not the negative. In my TimeHop this week many of our Disney pictures popped up from last year and it looks like we are having so much fun. We did, but that trip was hard too. I will say the memories of fun stay more than the memories of hard but by saving and posting only positive pictures, am I ignoring the reality that every minute isn't perfect? I mean, when I look at this feed: it looks like my perfect family is happy and smiling at every moment!
I believe that in my personal relationships with close friends, I am able and willing to open up about struggles I am facing, but there are a few reasons why you just can't do that online - and I also think that understanding that difference is the key to understanding how to use social media.
1.) I am not interested in shaming my children, certainly not publicly. Did someone pee the bed again? Does someone throw tantrums every night at bedtime? Did I get sassy back-talk for the third time today? Did someone cuss then refuse to go to timeout? Are these kids sometimes liars, bad decision makers, rude and ungrateful? YES. OFTEN. And they are also children. Who deserve grace and can only grow in love and acceptance, not shame. So, for that reason, despite my urge to share their problems in an attempt to find solidarity with other mothers facing the same issues, I usually don't. I can only imagine it gets harder when they are teenagers with bigger issues.
2.) I can handle a little criticism, but don't want harsh judgement. Sure, being vulnerable leads to creating connections with people- something I seek out and crave, but sharing too much, too soon, or with the wrong people can backfire. At what point does funny connection turn to judgement? Sharing five piles of unfolded laundry - funny and relatable. Sharing that your kids ate McDonald's four times this week - possibly funny, but some will judge. Sharing that you let your child drive your car - immediate judgement. Since it's impossible to know where the line is, we all err on the side of sharing only the funny, easy truths - not the true struggles.
3.) For people who aren't close to you, one negative thing becomes their truth. Funny story - in college Greg and I were dating and one day decided to break-up on Facebook. We were sitting next to each other, we thought it was funny. Our friends freaked out, we laughed and then we reinstated our digital relationship. One time, over a year later - someone was talking to me about our relationship and mentioned our "rough patch" and the "time we broke up". I was so confused because we never had. But this person, who mostly saw my life through the internet, remembered seeing some "complications". This was a huge lesson for me - people remember the negative and give it more weight than all the positive.
If I choose to represent my life as fun, full of love, and an adventure, that is the lens people will view my real life actions through. This will cause them to assume the best and possible believe my children smile all the time (they don't). If I use my online platform to complain, point out the struggles in my life, play the victim and focus on the negative, that will become my reality.
What's difficult for me is that I do feel like the social media world we live in creates unrealistic expectations of perfection. I hate superficial small talk and chit chat about how great everything is. I love when a friend shares their feelings and the things they've been thinking about late at night when they can't sleep. But, I do know that those conversations cannot, and really shouldn't, be public things. Privacy is needed to gain trust and make a safe space to share.
So if you follow me online, you will continue to see our adventures and fun, our life that is filled with a lot of activity but also a lot of love. If you are interested in learning about some of the struggles I've got - let's have lunch or grab a glass of wine. ;)
And also, proof they don't always smile :)
I also think that most of us, at least in my community, offer each other some grace and certainly the benefit of the doubt that we are all trying our best. The best for our children but also while also balancing the other stresses of life: work, family, paying the bills, personal growth, health concerns, etc. These outside factors often determine how we are coping with parenting.
The excerpt my friend shared made a funny joke at the end, simply paraphrased as "keep pretending on Facebook but some of us know you in real life." And it made me laugh, because it is so true. We'd love to know the issues others have to ease our insecurities. I've given some thought to why we can't be more vulnerable in sharing and it's a complex issue. First off, some people don't like to (or don't feel the need to) share anything at all. Others find it a nice way to build camaraderie and connection, to share snippets of their life. For me, my social media serves a few purposes: it keeps my memories for me (I often scroll back to find a memory), it shares them with my family and friends (many of who we don't see every day), and it highlights the good we are going through.
That last point is telling though -it only highlights the good. When looking back, I prefer to remember the positive and not the negative. In my TimeHop this week many of our Disney pictures popped up from last year and it looks like we are having so much fun. We did, but that trip was hard too. I will say the memories of fun stay more than the memories of hard but by saving and posting only positive pictures, am I ignoring the reality that every minute isn't perfect? I mean, when I look at this feed: it looks like my perfect family is happy and smiling at every moment!
I believe that in my personal relationships with close friends, I am able and willing to open up about struggles I am facing, but there are a few reasons why you just can't do that online - and I also think that understanding that difference is the key to understanding how to use social media.
1.) I am not interested in shaming my children, certainly not publicly. Did someone pee the bed again? Does someone throw tantrums every night at bedtime? Did I get sassy back-talk for the third time today? Did someone cuss then refuse to go to timeout? Are these kids sometimes liars, bad decision makers, rude and ungrateful? YES. OFTEN. And they are also children. Who deserve grace and can only grow in love and acceptance, not shame. So, for that reason, despite my urge to share their problems in an attempt to find solidarity with other mothers facing the same issues, I usually don't. I can only imagine it gets harder when they are teenagers with bigger issues.
2.) I can handle a little criticism, but don't want harsh judgement. Sure, being vulnerable leads to creating connections with people- something I seek out and crave, but sharing too much, too soon, or with the wrong people can backfire. At what point does funny connection turn to judgement? Sharing five piles of unfolded laundry - funny and relatable. Sharing that your kids ate McDonald's four times this week - possibly funny, but some will judge. Sharing that you let your child drive your car - immediate judgement. Since it's impossible to know where the line is, we all err on the side of sharing only the funny, easy truths - not the true struggles.
3.) For people who aren't close to you, one negative thing becomes their truth. Funny story - in college Greg and I were dating and one day decided to break-up on Facebook. We were sitting next to each other, we thought it was funny. Our friends freaked out, we laughed and then we reinstated our digital relationship. One time, over a year later - someone was talking to me about our relationship and mentioned our "rough patch" and the "time we broke up". I was so confused because we never had. But this person, who mostly saw my life through the internet, remembered seeing some "complications". This was a huge lesson for me - people remember the negative and give it more weight than all the positive.
If I choose to represent my life as fun, full of love, and an adventure, that is the lens people will view my real life actions through. This will cause them to assume the best and possible believe my children smile all the time (they don't). If I use my online platform to complain, point out the struggles in my life, play the victim and focus on the negative, that will become my reality.
What's difficult for me is that I do feel like the social media world we live in creates unrealistic expectations of perfection. I hate superficial small talk and chit chat about how great everything is. I love when a friend shares their feelings and the things they've been thinking about late at night when they can't sleep. But, I do know that those conversations cannot, and really shouldn't, be public things. Privacy is needed to gain trust and make a safe space to share.
So if you follow me online, you will continue to see our adventures and fun, our life that is filled with a lot of activity but also a lot of love. If you are interested in learning about some of the struggles I've got - let's have lunch or grab a glass of wine. ;)
And also, proof they don't always smile :)
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